Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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