70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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