I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
