Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
