Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
