Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
