i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize