Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just threw up on my dentist
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
