Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize