she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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