I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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