You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
