Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
