She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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