Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
