Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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