Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
