i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Oh god it's open bar.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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