Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
