Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
