Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
