I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
