i don't like sucking hair
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
