She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
