I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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