the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
