This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
