I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
