She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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