y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Randomize
