we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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