Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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