we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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