Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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