I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
