I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
