My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I have fence marks all over my body
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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