Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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