You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
