in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
