When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
