I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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