if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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