Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
