Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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