i was born a porn star she said
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
