I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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