how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
