I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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