i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
