He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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