I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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