Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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