By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
where are you?
Hypothermia
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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