so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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