Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
