Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
