I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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