Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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