your parents love me but you hate me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You have to summon your inner elephant
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
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