I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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