my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
