From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
