I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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